Ad Absurdum

Aaaand, we have May again and with it the most embarrassing most pointless WTF? idek greatest song contest ever. The Eurovision. I swear it's better than stand up comedy.

This year, the most important feature in the whole contest was the stage. I mean it literally - that square full of electronics and light bulbs or led lights or God knows what was better than some (most) of the artists.

1. Ukraine - "Tick - Tock", Mariya Yaremchuk
Oh wow, circus. Well, a bloke in a hamster wheel at any rate. The song is, surprisingly, not horrible. A bit of Katy Perry in it. Still, the stage is the best.

2. Belarus - "Cheesecake", Teo
A song about a cheesecake. Well, that's a first. Or maybe not.
Anyway, the singer has got a suit on and a male ballet behind him. There's some synchronised dancing, but despite that (or maybe because) the song is crap.

3. Azerbaijan - "Start A Fire", Dilara Kazimova
Ooh, another circus act in lieu of the ballet. The song is utterly forgettable even though the girl performing gymnastics on the trapeze does her best and the vocalist sings in tune.

4. Iceland - "No Prejudice", Pollapönk
The first WTF of the evening. Former punk-rockers or so we are told. And some politician at backing vocals. There are also suits in aggressive colours, synchronised guitar movement and odd choreography.
There is a change they might win.

5. Norway - "Silent Storm", Carl Espen
A carpenter turned soldier and then turned vocalist. Not bad actually. The song sounded a little like Coldplay. Or The Hoosiers. On the plus side - there is no ballet.

6. Romania - "Miracle", Paula Seling & OVI
The song strangely reminds me of some football championship/game hymn. Could even fit if our team by some miracle won (see what I did there? I'm so clever sometimes).

7. Armenia - "Not Alone", Aram MP3
An incredibly boring ballad. Well, up to halfway through when the vocalist tries to breathe some life into it (the stage lights help exponentially) only to end like a dying swan or other domestic fowl. I really don't know what's with the bird metaphors too.

8. Montenegro - "Moj Svijet", Sergej Ćetković
The beginning is undoubtedly the best. Before the bloke starts singing and all goes downhill after that. OK, not all because the beginning motif, i.e. a girl "figure skating" around the stage and leaving light trails behind her skates, continues later too.
But the song and the singer are, surprise surprise, completely forgettable.

9. Poland - "My Słowianie - We Are Slavic", Donatan & Cleo
There are two models: one laundering a shirt she's just taken off and the other churning butter (yes, you read that right), both with their boobs prominently displayed.
Umm, sorry, got a bit distracted by that.
OK, the song is not all that bad, really. Pretty good, actually, considering the competition. And it's mostly in Polish which is a plus.
Still, makes our girls look like their lives consist of looking as sexually available as possible. The lyrics actually say that too.

10. Greece - "Rise Up", Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd
Three blokes trying to sing some awful techno-disco. The less said the better. Even the trampoline at the end did not help (hmm, I can see some circus pattern emerging here).

11. Austria - "Rise Like a Phoenix", Conchita Wurst
A woman with a beard (see, I told you there was a pattern). Well, a drag queen or a transsexual with a beard. I've got no idea, honestly.
Good voice, though and the song is so very Bond, I'd love to hear it as the next movie theme.
Overwhelming chances of winning.

12. Germany - "Is It Right", Elaiza
A group of three girls: accordionist, double bass player and the singer.
Not that bad; there is a bit of klezmer-band sound to their music, though they could've sang in German. Would've been more interesting too, but the vocalist's got a good voice at least.

13. Sweden - "Undo", Sanna Nielsen
A blond Celine Dion wannabe (there's always at least one, isn't there?). The song is similarly crap. The stage and the lights behind the singer, as always, the best.

14. France - "Moustache", TWIN TWN
A song about moustache. And the second WTF? of the evening. There were three blokes: a vocalist with the pompadour bigger than Morrissey's on his wildest days, a guitarist: half-naked and with tribal paintings on his face and a bassist looking like Weird Al Yankovic with loooong hair. Despite all that the song isn't as horrible as one would've expected.

15. Russia - "Shine", Tolmachevy Sisters
Twins, though they want to be introduced as sisters. Twins, though.
Anyway, there are a lot of lights on stage, a swing (or something), fog (lots and and lots of this) and the twins have glass sticks with them. Oh, and first they are connected to each other with their hair and then they aren't. That was certainly one dramatic (hair) split.

16. Italy - "La Mia Città", Emma
White. Blinding white. And gold. I think they went for Roman costumes. All those laurels on their heads and... stuff.
Anyway, the song isn't entirely crap, there's even a bit of rock in there, but the performance is really only memorable because of the presence of white amplifiers (get, it? the blinding white theme).

17. Slovenia - "Round and round", Tinkara Kovač
A chick in a blue dress with a flute. 30 seconds after the song ends you can't remember absolutely anything about it.

18. Finland - "Something Better", Softengine
A band of 17-19-year-olds. They say their inspiration is Coldplay. Yes, we can hear it. Quite clearly in fact. We can also hear Blink-182 and every other second-rate indie pop group. I suppose it could have been worse, though.

19. Spain - "Dancing in the Rain", Ruth Lorenzo
Oh, the stage and the rain effect are really stunning. Pity the song is so shite. The vocalist has wet hair (or it looks like it) - very à propos, but I think we've all got the title anyway.

20. Switzerland - "Hunter Of Stars", Sebalter
A bloke with a band, a wide smile and a cheerful little song. And whistling. Yeah, the whistling really is the best.

21. Hungary - "Running", András Kállay-Saunders
A pity the guy doesn't sing in Hungarian. We could have another WTF? moment*. As it was, we only have a mediocre pop song that might have been Seal's rip off.
Oh, and there are also a couple of spastic violence-in-marriage dancers.

* this is a joke. I really do like Hungarian. And even if I don't understand a word, it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

22. Malta - "Coming Home", Firelight
A sort of folk band with a singer wearing some odd instrument. I dig the instrument. The rest I dig a lot less. Seriously, the rest is completely forgettable.

23. Denmark - "Cliche Love Song", Basim
The singer looks like a 12-year-old in a suit. Sounds about the same. Synchronised dancing is a must as is the chorus of oooh-oooh-oooh, scooby-dooby something something.
Yes, I thought the song was titled rather aptly.

24. The Netherlands - "Calm After the Storm", The Common Linnets
A highway / country song. Well, they do have the road "painted" on that stage. I think this is a hint. Two vocalists: a woman and a man, singing while facing each other. No point whatsoever.

25. San Marino - "Maybe", Valentina Monetta
Whoa, a Venus (in a dress, tho) in an oyster shell (made out of draperies, tho).
Maybe not.

26. United Kingdom - "Children of the Universe ", Molly
The drummer and backing vocalists in black furs. The best of 80's aesthetics. The song has some African-like chanting in the middle. Could've been worse, I suppose, but not by much.


And the winner is: the lady with the beard (probably affectionately known as wurstchen (yes, I'm talking absolute rubbish here. I can only attribute it to the stress of impending exams)). Good choice, I thought, so see ya next year in Austria.